Chrysalis

Day 131

“The only person who acts sensibly is my tailor. He takes my measure anew every time he sees me. Everyone else goes by their old measurements.”

– George Bernard Shaw

Let me start by saying that first, I’m a student of the law of attraction, of positivity, of blogging, of life, and a teacher second – as I think we all are. No matter how much knowledge or information we acquire along the way, we still have much to learn, and the more we learn, the more we realize how much we don’t know. I’m simply sharing what I’ve learned along the way with you, in the hopes that we can help one another get to the next stop on our own journeys, and maybe make the ride a little more enjoyable and a little smoother.

I haven’t written for the last week because I’ve been sick, with aliments symptomatic of “mental confusion and response to mass negativity and beliefs” according to Louise Hay in You Can Heal Your Life. Of course, her diagnosis lines up with what I’ve been experiencing. I’ve been sort of paralyzed with thoughts and questions that I don’t have the answers to. I’ve been struggling with the definition of authenticity, how it relates to the Law of Attraction; how it’s possible to be positive and still be raw and real; how I can have “negative” emotions and still write an inspiring blog; and how to love and put myself first, yet still be kind to others and still be myself, or at least what I believe my ‘self’ to be.

Whoa. Ok, so that’s a lot to grapple with. You can see why I’ve taken a few days to get my thoughts together. I’m going to catch up on the last week of posts with these topics, in this Keep It Real Series. Today, I’m going to talk about how I am trying to love myself enough to put myself first, and how it’s going so far.

I’m the person who everyone close to me calls when they have a problem and they need someone to fix it. That’s me – Ms. Fixit. I’m the one who’s always there when someone needs something, whether it’s convenient for me or not. That’s me – Ms. Reliable. I’m the one who those close to me put at the bottom of their priority list because they know that no matter when they do reach out, I’ll always be there. That’s me – Ms. I-Taught-You-How-To-Put-Me-Last.

I’m pissed. At first, it was with all those people who treat me the way they do, but then I realized that I’m the one who taught them how to behave with me. So, if I want a change, I have to clear my limiting beliefs, and teach them how to behave with me. I have to show them my new measurements.

I always pick-up or respond to texts even if I’m in the middle of something that is important to me, or if my hands are elbow deep in the kitchen or anything else. Then, when the person on the other end of the line asks what I’m doing, I habitually either respond with “nothing” or I tell them what I was in the middle of, with a tone of don’t-worry-it’s-not-important, to which of course, they don’t have any reason to feel like it’s not a good time for me.

By acting this way, I have been telling my subconscious that I’m not a priority, and that what I’m doing isn’t as important as the need to respond to others. So, of course, that’s what I attract. The first thing I did to change this patten and send my subconscious the message that I come first, that I am important, that what I’m doing does matter, was to make a concerted effort to stop answering my phone as a reflex, and instead, to be mindful of what I’m doing, and answer it when it is convenient for me. I’ve learned that I have a belief that if I don’t respond immediately, people will not like me.

Of course, I’ve had some push back – the people who expect me to always be available are not reacting well to my new behavior. Again, initially, their reactions made me angry, hurt and disappointed, but I know my thoughts and beliefs created this situation, and I fully expect them not to like my sudden self-prioritization. Their reactions are to be expected because they mirror my beliefs, and that’s ok. I’ve given myself permission to approve of how I spend my time without feeling guilty. It took some time to develop the old patterns and beliefs, so it will take some time to reprogram the new ones. 

I will admit, it’s been a difficult week. Change is difficult when you are embracing it, so it’s even more difficult for those who don’t want change. I’m trying to be patient with others, but most importantly, I’m trying not to be too hard on myself – which hasn’t been easy. I’m making mistakes along the way, and I get upset with myself when I don’t get it right the first time, but I must learn to be patient and kind to myself in the process too.

Like a caterpillar in the process of growing and changing, she sheds her skin and cocoons in a hard shell until she is ready to become a butterfly, sometimes we need to withdraw into ourselves to become who we are in the process of becoming. For those of you who feel like you come last in your own life, maybe this is the push you need to shed your old skin and let the Chrysalis protect you while you morph into a beautiful butterfly, ready to embrace your very own unique colors.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!